1 - Well, the first thing to do is call in the cavalry, also known as the girls. They will be your pillars of strength and invaluable banks of advice having gently monitored the unfortunate break down of your relationship since things started to hit the rocks.
Surround yourself in a comfortable nest of fiercely defensive friends rapidly passing round the Rose’, stuffing margherita triangles into your mouth, stroking your hair and calling the bastard every vicious name under the sun. Their venom, should provide some comfort; as you never really noticed until now that ‘’yeah, he does have quite bad skin sometimes actually!’’ and ‘’Oh my God, that’s a good point you know- his trainers are ugly!’’ No matter what the cause of the breakup, the foundation of recovery is that absolute blind loyalty a tightly knitted band of females can provide.
It’s a standard step to share all text messages exchanged between you and him so everyone can scrutinise over his dwindling amount of kisses in comparison to yours and analyse any communication shared with other girls had on his Facebook wall.
Surround yourself in a comfortable nest of fiercely defensive friends rapidly passing round the Rose’, stuffing margherita triangles into your mouth, stroking your hair and calling the bastard every vicious name under the sun. Their venom, should provide some comfort; as you never really noticed until now that ‘’yeah, he does have quite bad skin sometimes actually!’’ and ‘’Oh my God, that’s a good point you know- his trainers are ugly!’’ No matter what the cause of the breakup, the foundation of recovery is that absolute blind loyalty a tightly knitted band of females can provide.
It’s a standard step to share all text messages exchanged between you and him so everyone can scrutinise over his dwindling amount of kisses in comparison to yours and analyse any communication shared with other girls had on his Facebook wall.
2 – This should go without saying, but I’m going to anyway: I cannot stress enough the importance of looking absolutely gorgeous the next time you see him. You must look your upmost physical peak, so he can mull over what a sexy and beautiful goddess he is now without. Definitely a wise move, especially if the last time he saw you, you had mascara streaked all down your cheeks, eyes screwed up in an oriental fashion and were crying so hard you’d forgotten not to open your mouth to expose all eight of your fillings.
This kind of visual ‘’you-idiot-look-at-me-now’’ type revenge must be executed perfectly; a bar or a club he can discreetly glance at you in is an ideal situation. Your network of devoted girls will be more than happy to assist in making you look as stunning as possible; flawless makeup, perfect hairstyle- and most importantly an outfit that will make his manhood stand to attention, and then begin to sulk (and, as a result, shrink) in the irritating knowledge that you are now out of bounds.
3 – Now, dependent on who dumped who, I believe the most important thing to do regardless of the situation is to rise above all. Adopt an aloof and casual attitude towards all men, as they can be superior to you only in age. If you’re planning to get the wanker back, or attract a new man into your life, I have come to learn that there is nothing sexier to a man then the sight of a woman enjoying herself. But this too, has to be controlled, when I say enjoying herself I mean laughing attractively, looking amazing in the heart of a cluster of girls. Always be acutely aware of all the men in the room watching you- don’t let yourself cackle like a witch and snort vodka and lemonade down your dress.
When the time comes where the two of you converse again, just be incredibly polite, friendly and relaxed; even if you’re screaming inside because you know no-one else can kiss your neck like he can. This will make him re-evaluate the rationale behind the breakup and doubt his friends’ opinions on the matter: (don’t worry, the worst he’ll have heard is ‘’what a bitch’’ – trust me, boys are not nearly as inventive or cutting as girls can be when discussing a friends’ ex).
4 – AVOID all soppy or bitchy twitter, Facebook or otherwise statuses. Stuff like ‘’what a f**king prick’’ is of course, understandable but is not going to get you anywhere; (verbal outbursts such as these however are very welcome among the pillars of strength I mentioned earlier). In contrast, statuses along the lines of ‘’-*-can’t believe it’s over, all I can be is me, you know what love is when it’s gone-*-‘’ are, I hate to say it, sad and borderline pathetic. Why some girls choose to become embarrassingly bad poetic philosophers on Facebook following a break up is beyond me.
5 – A junk food splurge is of course, understandable. There is a fine line between indulging in a few tubs of ben and jerry’s a bag or two of malteasers- but you mustn’t let yourself go. This is a time where you reflect on why things have turned out the way they have and how you can move on by improving yourself. I can guarantee you will feel one hundred times worse when you can’t fit into your size 10 Topshop jeans anymore and you’ve lost those defined cheek-bones he always liked of yours. Also, when your ‘come-back’ appearance is due (see point no. 2) you don’t want him to think your weight gain is down to him. (Beware: the pillars of strength may not be so vocal with you regarding this issue, as your feelings will be damaged and delicate during this time bracket as it is, so pointing out your fuller figure may ruin any head-way they have made with you on the road to recovery).
6 – I personally would advise getting completely rat-arsed myself, nothing eases the pain of an ended relationship then having absolutely no idea what it was you were upset about in the first place. When you are ready to leave the warm depths of your bed and face the world as a single woman again, round up the troops and make a toast to being totally over him with a plastic shot glass of Sambuca. (Warning: when you go out on a wild night out and your goal is to get completely off your face- this must NOT coincide with when you next see him again –see point no. 2). If he sees you stumbling out of a club with a ladder in your tights and cigarette burns in your top, it will only confirm his decision not to be with you anymore. There is something comforting when you wake up the next afternoon in a severely hung over heap with the rest of your friends and all you can do is laugh about all of the ridiculous things that happened the night before and what a great time you all had.
7 – Prepare for those stinging offhand comments from unsuspecting peers or colleagues, such as: ‘’So how are you and Barnaby?’’ or ‘’Are you and Clive coming to the Christmas do’ next week?’’ React in a poised and mature manner, briskly explaining that it just didn’t work out. I know any chance to bring him and talk about him up is either a golden opportunity to go on a mammoth bitching session about the stupid boy, or comfortably listen to how they reckon you will get back together; but neither will help you handle your breakup in the long run and you don’t want any conversations you have about him relayed back.
Just grit your teeth and smile, acting as if it’s the most offhand topic in the world, that way the separation won’t stick in anyone’s minds for too long and you won’t become a become the centre-piece for cheap gossip. Then you can go home and bawl into your pillow in private, clutching that old sock he left at yours and so on.
8 – If you are going to play the jealousy game- then do so carefully. Pick you weapon (or man) wisely; remember your looks are to attract him, but your personality is to keep him- at least until your ex is so green with envy he does eventually send you that ‘’shall we still be friends?’’ text which you can have the pleasure, nay, the luxury, of ignoring if you so wish to. Making someone jealous has to be done ever so subtlety for maximum results. Men don’t seem to be as skilled in this department, as their game plan chiefly consists of getting a girl into bed as quickly as possible. But seeing you out with another man, laughing and drinking and smiling (see point no.3) will really sting him.
You need to master keeping your current guy fixated on you whilst keeping a sly eye on your ex lingering at the other side of the bar. After you have played out the ‘’we’re-so-happy-I’m-having-such-a-great-time-with-you-oh-my-god’’ charade for long enough, obviously take his arm and guide him out of the club. Your ex will of course be watching and will immediately think you’ve gone to do the dirty with him, which will really bite him. You however, can go and give your little revenge guy grateful shag, or shake his hand and hop in a taxi home by yourself, replaying the gutted look on your ex’s face en route. Sheer satisfaction, but be warned this will be short lived.
9 – Keep busy: being in a relationship with someone can dominate a lot more of your time then you realised. This is when your girls become a lot more of a central part of your life, so spend as much time with them as possible to fill the void. Go to the gym more frequently (this could be useful, see point no. 8) work harder on your coursework, visit your family and ask for more shifts at work. Avoid like the plague any songs you two had or places you often used to go to together, as the water-works undoubtedly will be turned on again to the max.
Perhaps a trip or two to your local Ann Summers wouldn’t go a miss, as there are just some things even your closest friends can’t do for you. Actually, come to think of it there are some things even he couldn’t do for you, unless he could adjust his speed settings and rotate during this that and the other.
10 – Finally, in all seriousness, reflect on the good and the bad and make a sensible and adult decision to move on from the past if you know you’re never going to get back together. Think about those annoying horrible little things he used to do; like that time he taped over the final of X factor for some damn Chelsea match or told you once in bed he actually ‘’likes girls with a bit of a belly’’. Realise if he doesn’t want you then someone else will and they will appreciate you for who you are. Keep on trying to make things work until they just fall apart, then the first thing to do is call in the cavalry, also known as the girls. They will be your pillars of strength and invaluable banks of advice having gently monitored the unfortunate break down of your relationship………..
By Emma Boyle
